What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:53
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why don't some people like the 10 Commandments?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What is the cost of implementing synchronized traffic lights in a mid-sized city?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Are you able to lie, even though you have Aspergers?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What is something you saw while on an airplane that you couldn't believe?
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do I sometimes hear full conversations when I am alone?
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
Im still living with it.
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
My family never makes their pension either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!